Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Tears of happiness...

Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, I have here in my hands the very proof needed to end a debate that has been raging for decades. The topic? Pizza. The debate? Which restaurant in the world makes the finest quality product. The answer is Papa Johns. Before you fall out of your chair or think of sending me a terrible letter threatening my life, listen to my argument, my proof!!! I have lived in Beijing for almost 3 months. The most popular restaurant here is Pizza Hut. And it's frozen. Ugh. I mean, sure it tastes ok, but pizza hut?  No. And then there was the day last week when I discovered Papa John's one subway stop over from where I live.  Exhausted from work and my limbs stiff from sitting all day in a grueling rehearsal of opera finales, I realized that the only way I could continue to survive, the only way my life would have any meaning, would be to buy and consume a Papa J's creation!  As I stepped out of the rehearsal hall this afternoon I immediately felt that this one adventure would be a defining moment in my life. But wait! I have not yet told of my companions! Let me try to begin again.

The Lord of the Rings Pizza.

Cast of Characters:

Cecilia Kozlowski as Doughdo Baggins
Keyondra Price as Legosauce
Kyle Ruth as Pepperonli
Chris Reid as Johndalf the Papa
Brittany Foster as Hawaiiwen


Once upon a time there was a great meeting of Elves, Man, Dwarf, Hobbit, and Wizard in the great realm of Beijing, China. Not for centuries had there been such a gathering of such importance with so many different peoples.  As scores of people entered the Elven National Opera House for their daily rehearsal none knew the historic event they would help unfold in the coming hours!  The first tuning pitch was given, everyone settled in their seats. The choir rustled their papers and warmed their vocal chords. And then the orchestra began to play Aida.  For weeks there had been something different in the weather, in the water, in the very air we breath, foreshadowing a great event... a storm was coming... the great and powerful all knowing Pie, Saurohut, was growing stronger by the day. Yet, the peoples of Middle China seemed to go about their business unawares. Aida played on in such a way that this day, too, seemed just like any other. That is, until Johndalf the Papa, aged and wise, stood up during 10:30am Elven coffee break and declared to all those who would listen (ok, so there were only 4 within earshot...) that unless someone stepped forward to find the one true Pizza that Middle China would crumble and with it the Elven National Opera House.  Immediately there was a voice that rang through the streets proclaiming intent to be the very person Middle China needed. It was the voice of the Big Cat...Doughdo Baggins, a hobbit from Cinshirenati, Ohio.  "I'll do it!" she cried! Johndalf looked relieved for the quest to be claimed by such a strong, brave heart such as Doughdo's.  And then, to his surprise, other voices joined in.
   "You have my bow!" said the tall Legosauce, most fair and beautiful Elven warrior princess.
   "And my axe!" interrupted a fierce and muscled Pepperonli, dwarf son of Pepperonin.
And so it was that on that 23rd day of August in the rehearsal hall of the Elven National Opera that the Fellowship of the Pizza set forth to attain and destroy the most powerful pizza ever created from the great and all knowing Pie, Saurohut. 
   Because the members of the fellowship were of such noble and honorable mind, they waited until rehearsal was over at 3:30pm to begin their journey North towards Mount Spoon.  Everyone know how terrible that mountain was... no person but the evil-souled Saurohut would ever deign to name their pizza country after a utensil as useless to pizza as a spoon. And any land named after a spoon only promised things of the most vile nature: soup bogs, day-old molten ice cream volcanoes, and  dead spork trees.
   The first part of the journey took the Fellowship to the ICBC Bank. After all, a trip of this magnitude required appropriate funding in the appropriate currency. The International Citizen's Bank and Crust was extremely helpful and by the end of the transaction the already travel-weary company successfully exchanged Middle China RMB (Real Mozzarella Bill) into Elven USD (United Sauce Dollar) and withdrew some extra cash for spending (you can't just walk up to Mount Spoon, order the one true pizza and walk of it with it for free!). 
   The companions knew that in order to make the next leg of their trip they would need Steeds as worthy as their names and so to the Beijing Ranchstation they went. Once there, the 3 friends saw only one steed that would do: the mighty Subwayfax!  Red and silver the mighty stallion seemed to soar through the air. The companions jumped aboard and proceeded down the public highway known as Line 2. They stopped only once at the transfer stable, and then resumed their journey on Line 5, making it all the way to Mount Spoon.
  As soon as the fellowship leapt down from Subwayfax they could sense that the land they had entered was foreign and hostile.  The people here were loud and frantic, it was hard to keep the mountain in sight! Yet, after a quarter mile there it was: Mount Spoon, and within it, the very pizza restaurant Saurohut was guarding!  Doughdo Baggins, Pepperonli, and Legosauce ran up the mountain, ordered the pizza, paid, and then ran out!  The mountain began crumbling and the Fellowship had to run away!  The Dwarf and elf were seperated from Doughdo in the great crowd of people. In the end, though, all three climbed back aboard Subwayfax excitedly carrying their treasured Papa John's pizza. In their hearts, however, they knew that the adventure was far from over.  Doughdo could not help but note that as they walked home that the pizza box became heavier and heavier. It was a terrible burden that burned in their hands!  The cheese on the pizza was the real deal... something so rare to come across in Middle China. The Hobbit, the Elf, and the Dwarf could all feel it's power.  By the time they reached a hideout Doughdo could barely walk, and yet she still opened the box and, picking up a slice, prepared to begin devouring the pizza. It was the only way to truly destroy Saurohut, proving beyond a doubt that Papa John's could and would bring peace about the land because it was the one true pizza! BUT! Just as Doughdo was about to take a bite she suddenly placed the slice back in the box, snapped the lid shut, and cradled the box in her arms whispering "my precious, my own, my precious." Pepperonli and Legosauce looked on in horror! What could they do???  
   "Doughdo! Do not be afraid, Doughdo. I am here. You must be strong. What grace has given me, let it pass to you!" These words were spoken by a very beautiful elf woman in what seemed to Doughdo a vision. The voice continued, "I am named Hawaiiwen, I am of the mystical Pizza Elves and I give you the power to continue your quest!" And then Doughdo felt the strength to continue on and before the light of Hawaiiwen faded the pizza box had been reopened and the slice of pizza taken in hand. Doughdo bit into the cheesy, melty pizza and it was then that all the darkness in the world caused by Saurohut was thrown into light and all wrongs became right and the Fellowship of the Pizza completed their quest. 

The End.


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Ok, well I hope you enjoyed my story. Yup, I sure did base it off Lord of the Rings and yes I reworked the plot a little bit. Tolkien would be very proud of me, I think.  Mostly I just really enjoyed my Veggie Supreme Stuffed Crust Pizza from Papa John's and wanted to share that enjoyment with my fellow bloggers.  Who knows? Maybe I'll find a Jet's or Dewey's Pizza here? That would be cool. Until then, Papa J's remains the best pizza ever simply because it exists in China.


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